My Vanished Self

As I stand in the balcony holding my coffee mug with both hands, my view gets stuck to the vast horizon. The intermittent buildings cover the city landscape with mountains in the distant background covered in thin clouds providing a hazy view. Another day has come to an end as the sun is setting and the sky is covered in the red hue. Everything looks so beautiful and peaceful.

My mind though, is in a state that I can’t seem to understand. It’s her thoughts that are giving me sleepless nights and disturbing days. Her thoughts still refuse to go away from my mind and the reason for it is still unknown to me. We were very much in love with each other and are even now but unfortunately, the destiny had other plans. Her parents got to know about us and so, we got separated. This separation had devastating effects on both of us.

For the really beautiful soul she is, her love for me didn’t let her leave me alone and I can’t ever thank her enough. I hurt her a lot but even then she kept trying to fight her way through my shell. Her absence from my life made me a person that even I never thought of. I have stopped enjoying my life and now just waiting to pass each day. The things which earlier made me happy don’t have the same effect on me now. I don’t socialize now. I have lost my smile and I really can’t fake happiness. It’s just how I have become now and seeing me this way is what makes her sad. She has tried everything to get me back to my original self but in vain. It’s not that I haven’t tried to move on and start living again but I just couldn’t. It’s just not in my hand at all.

I know it kills her to see me like this and so, I can’t let her suffer because of me. That’s why I took a decision and blocked her from social sites. I know not talking to each other is very painful but sometimes some steps have to be taken even if they are the hardest ones. I just want her to move ahead, to be happy, to enjoy her life, to enjoy new friendships. I can’t ever return to my older self because that vanished with her.

I was because WE were.

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